Mania anyone?

Did any of you see that program the other night The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, with Stephen fry? (BBC) Being someone that suffers from depression, I thought it would be interesting to see how others cope. What I ended up feeling was jelousy. Okay, I'm going through a serrious bout of depression at the moment (I've broadcast it to everyone I know, so why not the whole world), which might of course be colouring my feelings, but it seems so unfair to me that whilst people like me get only the black stuff, there are some lucky buggers out there who know what it's like to feel really good about themselves.

In fact I'm so envious that I look at some of my past behaviour to see if I can recall any 'manic' episodes that might help me feel better about myself. The nearest I get is a sort of hyper mania - the feeling that I can and will do everything that's important to me, regardless of what everyone else tells me is physically possible. There aren't that many people out there I supose that will do their ma dissertation and exhibition at the same time as studying for a post graduate cert ed, as well as working part-time, being a parent, running a home, teaching and all the rest of it. Yes, I worked through the night on lots of occassions, yes, I felt confident throughout that what I was doing had absolute clarity (especially the dissertation!), but I'm not convinced I was feeling good about myself. My mother has always said I'm stubborn. And looking at this kind of behaviour I can see why she would. I had the bit between my teeth and was doggedly determined to prove all my detractors irrevocably wrong. I will do it all and I will make a success of everything... But in effect do I just run myself down, wear myself out ready for the next depression to creep up on me unawares, as it always does? Who knows.

I know that to have mania is not healthy, but I still can't help feeling that the manic depressive got the better end of the deal. If they want to feel good, they can just stop taking the meds for a while, can't they? Just drop into that wonderful mind-swinging euphoria for a short swim in its creative waters. What happens if I stop taking mine? I've been dosed up to the eyeballs for years and still feel like this, so I'll leave it to you to work out.

Fry asked several of the people on the show whether they would "press the button" to make the manic depression go away if they could. Only one person said she would. And that's something I completely understand, because even now, feeling as ill as I do, I wouldn't press the button. Feeling this way is part of me, is me, the real me. Part of me feels that it's society that can't cope with my depression, not me. My colleagues don't want me sitting in the corner of the room brooding under a black cloud not talking to anyone - but it doesn't bother me. My negative thoughts about myself and humanity are completely logical and valid to me, and it only seems to bother society that I don't think well of them, and of our pointlessness as a human race. But the biggest reason I wouldn't get rid of the depression at the press of a button, is that it would remove a 'special' part of my creativity. I'm not saying that I'm only creative when I'm depressed, that's patently not true, but I feel a heightened sensitivity to it in this state of mind. I feel that I'm able to see through the surface of things and find a deeper meaning. (I also feel that most of what I produce in this state is crap, but that's another matter...) No, like those manic depressives, even having been at the brink of life on numerous occassions I still wouldn't say goodbye to this part of me.