Humiliation!

Oh dear. Why do I do it to myself? Yesterday I sat my first music exam, ever. I'm fairly certain I failed, because, as usual under these circumstances, I became a complete bag of nerves and couldn't stop my hands shaking. Not good when you're trying to play the guitar! My tutor asked why I'm putting myself through this - obviously I have absolutely no need to take exams whatsoever as I'm supposed to be doing this for fun. And I suppose that was the answer really: I thought it might be fun - ha! And at my age, and with no pressure on me to pass whatsoever, I didn't think I'd get in the least bit nervous. How wrong I was...

It didn't start off well. I had to go to St Ives (20 odd miles away) to the 'examination centre', which was a Methodist Chapel... I thought I'd borrow Kim's guitar bag to protect my guitar on the journey, but of course didn't bother to try it until I was just about to leave, when I discovered that it was far too small. Instead my guitar travelled there in a couple of bin bags and a very colourful dinosaur-patterned sleeping bag... The humiliation had already begun and I hadn't even got through the doors. And when I did get through the doors, I went through the wrong one into the examination room itself (the main chapel), where I got short shrift from the examiner of course. I blame them for not putting any signs up, but she looked at me as though I was the most stupid person in the entire universe. Of course there may be some truth in her assumption...

Then someone appeared, rather like Mr Ben, and we were taken round to the waiting/practice room. It was a school room for very little people and we sat ourselves down on the miniature chairs and went through a few pieces. Everything was going well so far. If I could keep this up I'd pass with flying colours. Then a boy of about 10 came in; he'd just been into the dragon's den. He said that the examiner told him he was "average". Then someone else (in her 20's) piped up "that's nothing, she was really rude to me!". My tutor looked at me, smiled and said "are you sure you want to do this?". I smiled inanely back, then my name was called.

For this exam you have to play 3 pieces (two of mine were accompanied), play some scales and arpeggios and do an 'initiative test' (don't laugh!) - which means answering a few questions about the music you've just played. In all, it was projected to last about 15 minutes. It felt like an eternity.

We went in and were asked to sit down. The expression on my tutor's face changed, and I could have sworn he looked more nervous than me. We began to play; well my tutor did. I can't really describe what I did: my hands moved about but not really in any sort of predictable, coordinated fashion. I winced (and I'm sure the examiner did too) every time I hit the strings wrong. I even said "sorry" - although I'm not really sure who to! Piece number 2 got under way. Well about half way, then I decided it was just so bad that I'd have to go back to the beginning - I just couldn't stop my hands shaking. Then my tutor left the room, probably wondering what on earth it was he'd just witnessed. I was asked to play my short solo piece. I got going, but I was concentrating so hard on stopping my hands from shaking that I forgot I was supposed to keep the same tempo throughout: I started off slow, got a bit faster in the middle and then got slow again - very creative! Then I played a couple of scales and arpeggios, not too badly considering. Next I had to listen to something the examiner played and play it back to her. I'd practised this with my tutor and was getting the hang of it. But then I realised that the examiner wouldn't be playing it to me on the guitar, as she walked across to a piano. Oh my God, I'd never done this with a piano! It was bound to sound different and I wouldn't have a clue. I needn't have worried though, I think I did okay on that bit. But then she threw something really nasty at me, she played a few bars and asked me what time signature they were in. I listened intently and said 2/4. Very pleased. That was surely right. Then I realised that the answer could only have been 4/4 or 3/4 - they don't do 2/4 at this grade. Bugger, and I'm sure by now that I really need those points... On to the initiative test. "What is 'bla, bla, bla' called [that's really what I heard] when the notes go up in a bit like a scale form like this?" I don't flipping know, I thought it was called a 'scale'... "I don't know," I said, "my mind's gone blank". (It could have gone to Mars for all I knew.) She went off to her desk and made a few notes on her pad. When she came back she put me under the spotlight again. "When you see 'mp' and 'mf' written under a bar what does that mean?". I panic - does she want to know what the letters stand for in Italian (which I can't for the life of me remember at this particular point in time) or does she want to know what I'm supposed to do when I see them? "That means moderately quiet and that means moderately loud", I say with no conviction whatsoever. She asks a few more questions and finally totters back to her desk and starts scribbling again. She looks up at me and says "Thank you". "You obviously know the pieces inside out, but I can tell that you are extremely nervous". She looks down again. Is that it? Am I meant to leave now? I laugh, like an idiot. What did she mean? Was she saying, I'm going to be nice to you because I know how nervous you are, or did she mean you've failed because you're a nervous idiot? Probably the latter, I felt. We exchanged a few pleasantries and I went off to find my tutor again.

How did it go, he anxiously asked me? I laughed and said, "well at least I know what it's like now." "Yes" he said "I have to say I thought she was very intimidating, I didn't know what to think when I first got in there". "I think you'll probably pass, you played some parts really well, but perhaps not with the distinction you might've been hoping for". Me? Hope for a distinction? You must be joking - I don't even get good grades for things I know I'm actually good at! No, I think that if I pass it'll be a miracle. Not that I believe in those of course...

I got my results on the 18th December 2006. To see what they were read the following post The results are in...